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It's been a year and a half since I've spoken to my dad or heard from him.
Both my parents disowned me back in December 2021.
My mom has reached out recently and we're with rebuilding our relationship. And I must say it's been the best that it's ever been.
Not because I changed - because she could finally accept me as I am. I no longer had to abandon or reject myself to "belong".
It's also been nine months since I was cut out/ disowned by my brother and sister-in-law.
I've had to reflect on and look at where I have been responsible for the breakdown of the family relationships in my life.
The other day I was sharing with some friends how I feel sad that Avery and Brooklyn don't have grandparents on either side that are a strong part of their lives or amazing role models with Aunts and Uncles they could depend on.
I often imagined that when I had children, our children would have great role models and a safe haven with their grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
The idyllic scene of taking them out to play and spend quality time with them. Or being able to be there to give them guidance if they didn't feel safe talking to their parents.
My father-in-law's an alcoholic, going through stage four cancer towards the end of his life, and whenever we visit, he is in bed. Unwell. Or in hospital. He still drinks.
I admit, I sway between compassion and wanting him to do better. And knowing that I can't want something more than he wants it for himself.
His grandchildren will know him as the grandfather that was never well.
My mother-in-law has been married to a man and spent her life with someone she's never really loved.
She was in love with someone else when she married my father-in-law. Attempted to leave when the kids were young, and couldn't do it.
She is drowning in sacrifice and resentment. Drowning in it.
She doesn't allow herself to have an ounce of joy or know that she is worthy of better.
Whenever we visit, it's repeated "You know I have to worry."
Worry is a symptom of unworthiness.
It's as though she has condemned her own self in this reality.
Of being unworthy, unlovable and committed to suffering, really defending the suffering.
This suffering has drained her that she doesn't have the energy to be with the grandchildren in the way she wants to be.
She loves them - and is limited in her capacity to really enjoy being a grandmother. Because being in the energy of worrying is how she shows Love. Problem is, it's hard to be on the receiving end of another's worry.
She too - will only be able to share with them about the heartaches of life - and that life is unjust, unfair, and isn't here for you to enjoy - it is here for you to be dutiful and responsible.
My father had parents who were highly superstitious and placed all their power into religion and mysticism. When he was three, Spiritual teachers read his "astrology chart" and told his parents he has a gift - and that he should be sent away to nurture his Spiritual gifts in the monastery.
Yes, my father is an incredibly brilliant shaman and monk, and he has incredible gifts - and what he needed at 3, wasn't to be sent away to live in a monastery and be nurtured by monks so he can grow his gifts.
His experience of abandonment and rejection has plagued his entire life.
So much so that he truly believes there is nothing else for him besides a life of being lonely. He continuously pushes people away - and feels that everyone is out to get him. He struggles with trust. With vulnerability. With connection.
Now - there are also complex issues with my brother and sister in law.
When you have parents who are really challenged by being together - and have no pathway to communicate, that's all you know - that's your view on what's possible in relationships. Both my brother and sister-in-law don't know how to communicate their upsets, and disappointments or openly share their challenges.
The way they cut me out of their lives was by asking my husband to meet them downstairs one evening, over a 30 min conversation in the back of the car and telling him, they don't want me in their lives. And I wasn't allowed to contact them to talk this through. They couldn't even tell me straight - and I wasn't allowed to approach them about it.
John and I were really confused and disappointed by it all.
So in all of this, I was sharing this with some friends about how I feel sad that Avery and Brooklyn won't have that experience of close Aunty/ Uncles and Grandparents - or a safe haven in a close extended family with amazing role models.
And when I shared this with a group of friends, one friend said; "Well - you're the common denominator, this is on you."
And for a moment, it took me to my very familiar pattern of blaming myself, judging myself, thinking that maybe I'm the one with the problem and that I did something wrong.
For a moment I went to "I caused all of this, I'm the broken one..."
Years ago - I would have gone there, stayed there, and held myself hostage there.
Through this whole ordeal, through this whole process of being disowned by my own parents and then my in-laws, I really dug deep.
I wanted to get to the truth of "what is mine, and what is theirs".
I would take ownership of what was rightly my responsibility. And my friend was right, I am the common denominator.
And being the common denominator - This was the question I asked. What was my role in all of this?
When I really tune into my higher self, and the deepest knowing in my heart, I am the common denominator and I'm the common denominator in breaking cycles.
I'm sharing this story because family can be complicated.
It doesn't have to be and it can be.
Whenever there's a breakdown in family, there are two common places we can go. Blaming others, or blaming ourselves.
The third-place though is where we will find liberation. Ownership.
I asked myself, who would I have to be, in order to maintain a relationship with my dad?
And who do I have to be, in order to maintain a relationship with my in-laws?
The answer. Someone that I'm not.
So what can I own? What can I be responsible for?
To have a relationship with my dad and my brother/ sister-in-law - it will cost me self-acceptance. I would have to abandon and reject who I truly am to fit in the mould of who they want me to be.
If I choose me, I will face abandonment and rejection from them; and if I choose them, I will face abandonment and rejection from myself.
Choose.
I chose me.
And yes "choosing me" is the common denominator that caused the breakdown of these relationships - and I fully own that.
I am also owning, I am breaking cycles. The cycle of needing to abandon and reject yourself to belong.
I will never ever, ever teach Avery in Brooklyn that in their journey of love, in their journey of understanding belonging, in their experience of needing to feel seen, heard and understood that it would come at the cost of their authentic self.
In my culture, in my upbringing, in my indoctrination of religion, in the society that I have been raised, it is conditioned - in fact it is an unspoken expectation - that - you will always place another's opinion and need above your own knowing and truth. Above your own sense of worth and what's more important is someone else's opinion, someone else's judgment - and someone else's way of life - than anything that you want for yourself.
There is nothing harder in this world than to believe that you are worthy of love as you are.
And while the world around us may seduce us to think that who we are is not enough - The more love we have for ourselves the more we break free from the conditioning, the unconscious addiction to seeking Love outside of us and believing that Love is only found when we can't be our true, authentic selves.
I am the common denominator in wanting to be a role model for my children to know what it is to have healthy relationships - that they are worthy of their needs and to have those needs met, their voice matters, and that they would never ever have to compromise who they are in order to have that sense of belonging, in order to have that sense of acceptance - because when there's compromise, you cannot belong; and when there's the compromise of who you are - you will never ever feel at ease.
When I get present to the family life that we've created, and the conversations that we have with our boys, We've quantum leaped.
The family we designed is not the family that we predictably would have if we didn't intentionally and consciously choose this - and change.
What I do know is that when you choose love, it is going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do as a human being. And the most liberating and rewarding experience which makes you feel alive.
I mean if you think about it, choosing Fear is choosing what you've always known.
It is choosing the familiar.
If 95% of our daily life and how we show up is based on the subconscious mind, and the subconscious mind is predominantly programmed within the first 7 years - therein lives your secret doorway to reflect back on the potential areas of healing.
I share this story with you because I think it needs to be known that when you choose this path of healing when you choose the path of wanting to be the best for your children it'll cost you.
It'll cost you an identity that you've always known, an identity that you've created based on what you thought would help you belong, what would help you be accepted, and what you thought you had to be - to be loved.
To choose love means to choose what it takes to have the courage to show up authentically as you, even when you're afraid of rejection, even when you're afraid of being abandoned.
Even if you're afraid of love being taken away
If you don't choose love, and you choose the safety of the known, at the cost of abandoning your own self, of rejecting your own self - you'll find it really hard to live with yourself. And it will eat away at you. And you'll never feel at ease with being you.
And if you're struggling or challenged in parenting or in any of your relationships - I've just shared with you the reason why.
The deal is this.
There's going to be some abandonment and rejection in this process.
Either, you're going to abandon and reject yourself in order to be loved, approved, belong, accepted, and validated by others OR you're going to rise up and abandon and reject who you think you need to be and show up as who you truly are.
And trusting yourself enough that if someone does abandon and reject you when you show up in your most authentic nature, you can, love yourself with such fierceness and grace, and know that it's not personal.
Break the cycle. That's why your child chose you.
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