Are we on the same team?

How often do you check in with your partner/ spouse on whether "You're on the same team?".

It's a tough one - and when it comes to parenting, your children are the recipients of the energy exchange you have with each other.

They are watching how you love each other.
They are watching how you resolve and move through differences.
They are watching how you respect one another. 
They are also watching your level of self-worth and self-respect. 

I grew up in a family with a cultural background that held the illusion that "Girls had to be GOOD!" in high-regard. "Good" meant being obedient, not having a voice, keeping the peace even if it meant suppressing my own needs. 

This isn't about judgement or condemning my upbringing - it is about bringing awareness to parts of my identity that wasn't serving my highest self. 

In my adult years, I had to learn and practice that my voice mattered - and unlearn the belief that "I didn't matter".

I recognised that relationships are only effective if there is a partnership. That it is possible to have tension in a relationship and solve it from a place of Love. This took a lot of healing, unwiring, and it is day by day, moment by moment practice. 

....and it all starts with loving who you are, embracing our wholeness, and having a formidable resolve within ourself to hold ourself to a high-standard (NOT perfection) of Love and honour. 

Nothing tests your relationship with your partner/ spouse like parenting. 

It's not the children that are testing.... hold that thought for a second. 

We all have baggage when we enter into any relationship. Think back to when you met your partner/ spouse. The baggage that we entered the relationship could have been from past relationships and/or witnessing your parents relationship - (baggage is any "belief" that we hold as the truth which inhibits the receiving and giving of Love and to know that we are worthy of Love.)

On some level, you would have had to "heal" the part of the baggage that revealed itself so you could form and move forward to create a relationship with your partner/ spouse.

When you then embark on the journey of being parents - you bring baggage from your childhood. The wounds from your upbringing are ALL seeking to be heard. Imagine a classroom of 30 children all talking and screaming at the same time "wanting" that attention - multiply that by two (because there are two of you!) - that's 60 children, screaming, crying, howling... in your mind. 

That's what it feels like for each parent when we are "challenged" in parenting. It's noisy. It's demanding. It can feel like pressure.

And it has nothing to do with our children being testing (I promise you, your baby, toddler, preschooler - even as teenagers, do not have the intention "I'm going to deliberately do x,y,z so I can test my parents - Everything your child does is a bid for connection and love - even when they are at what we consider "their worst"). 

What's testing, are the wounds that are rising to the surface (that's the 60 children screaming, crying, howling in our mind... sometimes it feels like more! ;) )

Now, the combination of how you both meet the wounds that rise to the surface, and your level of commitment to healing those words contribute to whether you feel you're both on the same team when it comes to parenting.

This is an ongoing evolution until you take your very last breath. Even if you aren't "together" - the moment you become parents, you are a parent for every moment that your heart is beating and your lungs are breathing. 

I'm going to repeat; this isn't about perfection. It doesn't mean that you have failed. And this isn't a time to grab hold and turn to the experience of Guilt or Shame (thinking back on what you "could have" done or missed out on doing).

How you both meet the wounds that rise to the surface is directly proportionate to how much you love who you are - your level of wholeness, and how safe you feel with your partner/ spouse. 

So much of parenting, if not all of it, is about "re-parenting" our inner-child - and to "re-parent our inner-child" we are to believe in our "wholeness". 

Connect with your inner-child - what needs were unmet? When did she feel unsafe? When did she feel unloved? 

Do the same for your partner's inner child - What was it like for them growing up? Did they feel seen, heard, and understood?

Imagine, the most testing moments and interactions when it comes to your child and when you do not feel you're on the same team when it comes to parenting. 

What was your level of stress? How full was your well? How "whole" did you feel? - How about your partner and spouse?

In these "pressure" filled moments, the moments that you are triggered, consider that it's your inner-child (the part which didn't feel seen, heard, and understood) that's trying to parent your child - and create a relationship with your partner/ spouse. 

I believe that most challenges that arise in our relationship with our partner/ spouse when it comes to parenting can be narrowed down to the experiences where we feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood as a child.

....So what now? What next? How do we create a powerful partnership and be on the same team? Let's just pause for a second. 

Firstly - acknowledge this first step of awareness. I know that if you opened this newsletter, and read this far, there is a massive commitment to creating a powerful partnership and be on the same team with your partner/ spouse.

That's something to be celebrated. That's something to be acknowledged. It is a huge deal. The auto-pilot reaction of most is to blame, deal with the suffering, keep the status quo, or feel like a victim and "accept" -  that's just the way it is. You're committed to more.

I invite you to imagine that "being on the same team" like a plant. A plant that needs attention, nourishment, and nurturing. 

Your relationship requires a safe space in which you both can start to feel "safe" for the wounds to rise and to bring healing to these wounds.

What's your level of feeling loved and supported by your partner? - and What is the relationship between how you feel by your partner with how you feel about yourself? Are you full and overflowing?

... What about your partner? How loved do they feel by you? - and What is their level of self-worth and wholeness? Are they full and overflowing?

Creating a shared-vision in parenthood, to be on the same team is an ongoing commitment. What's required from both of you in terms of partnership in the newborn stage, is going to be different when your children are toddlers and so forth.

The foundation, Love. Bring more Love. To yourself, to each other. 

It is an ONGOING commitment to choosing Love, choosing to see from the lens of Love, and asking "What would Love do right now?". What would Love say? How would Love show-up?

Your children have given you an opportunity to be a parent.

You didn't become a parent by chance, and if you became a parent with a partner/ spouse - the Love you created and have for each other and to be able to have that Love expand was the potential you desire in becoming parents together. 

Love on yourself so that you can Love on one another. The overflow of that Love heals your inner-child, and your children are the beneficiaries of that transformation. 

Sending you lots of Love... and may you continue to learn to Love on yourself more than ever.

Yummii xx

PS One of my teachers and mentors is the incredible Dr Joe Dispenza. He recently started this mission called #GOLOV20. I invite you to watch this video for an explanation of GOLOV20 - and do this for your partner/ spouse. 

Share with them what you love about them. Have them "receive" it. Invite them to do the same. Sit together and meditate and hold each other in your hearts...

... Then do the same for your child/ children.

May your hearts bloom and blossom like wildfire.