Growing up, I never wanted to be my mother - and I did not want to marry someone like my father.
My parents had their issues, and while I had compassion for their journeys - in my mind, I kept thinking, "No way would I be my mother or put up being in a relationship with someone that would treat me the same way my father treated my mother."
Consciously we know what isn't good for us and are aware of what we "do or don't want" according to our upbringing.
However, the subconscious mind ALWAYS wins. Always.
At 29, the one thing I made sure would not happen happened.
Here I am in a marriage - I was my mother, and I married someone that was my father. I've just unconsciously created my parent's relationship.
I remember thinking, "How did this happen?! I thought I did everything in my power not to have history repeat itself?!".
And it was this pivotal moment that led me to over a decade dedicated to understanding Love.
What I realised in this journey is that what we consciously want is always, ALWAYS overpowered by our subconscious mind.
So to be masterful and to choose to live a life from Love - we are to understand the first 21 years of life.
The first 21 years create our model of Love.
Now, the good news is that we can rewire and reprogram our subconscious mind.
The not so good news, the programming we received, those patterns are ALWAYS going to be there. Always. This is considered as "trauma" or "generational wounding".
The work is to be our own master - so that when the patterns come up, we can "catch them" before they consume us.
It's no different to someone that has an alcohol addiction.
You can get sober, and the chance of relapsing is high if you're exposed to alcohol. It takes an intentional effort to create an environment that supports being more faithful to sobriety than alcohol.
It's the reason why people, before they become parents they will say to themselves, "I'll never parent like my mother or my father".... and then in a moment where they are tested, they realised, "I've become my mother!".
This brings me to my "why", why I do what I do.
As a parent, we want our children to be in happy, healthy relationships.
We have a desire that they can ask for what they need, know how to navigate conflict, have a nourishing and fulfilling experience of sharing their life with another - and feel loved. Really loved.
I believe, more than anything, we have a desire for our children to live a life with being aligned with who they are.
If we grew up in healthy households where our parents knew how to do this well - AMAZING! We have a healthy model to be inspired by.... and most of us didn't.
I became obsessed with learning about Love - what is it really? Because I knew my model of Love wasn't one that was healthy.
What I realised is that desire we have for our children to feel loved - starts with them being able to love who they are.
And for any human being to love who they are, to accept themselves as they are, it's a spiritual practice - and it's being able to break free from the unconscious conditioning of "I am loved if I am x, y, z"... and "I am not loved if I am x, y, z".
Here lies the irony. EVERY being that enters earthside, every single person, as they crossed over into this dimension, entered "whole, complete, and perfect".
There was no question or thought or inkling that we were less than. In our knowing, we are Love, and we were Loved. It wasn't questioned.
The questioning of whether we are worthy or not of Love is the conditioning we received from our parents and our upbringing for the first 21 years of life.
This brings me to the next crazy point. There is what I want for our children as a parent... and what I want isn't going to make the actual difference.
What matters is the energy from which I'm living.
This is what they inherit as their baseline, as their truth, and their belief system.
AND even more, crazier is the acceptance that their journey isn't in my control.
So... Parenting is crazy! Why.. because what we want for our children isn't what will truly matter - and we don't have any control of how their life will turn out.
It's their journey.
This isn't to then say, what we do doesn't matter. It does.
What we do REALLY matters. Because what we do is either going to reinforce to our children that they can love their humanity or that they will judge their humanity.
Therefore, if we are committed to them loving their humanity, we have to love ours.
Love is simple. We, humans, make it so hard.
As a parent, this is really the work. To build our model of Love. To invest time and energy into understanding it and creating our enquiry and investigation into Love.
We have Love really messed up.
Statements such as;
"I don't need to be rich as long as I have Love." That's not Love.
"Love is about giving and not taking." That's not Love.
"Love is sacrifice." That's definitely NOT Love.
"Love is putting everyone else's needs first." This is more conditioning which is NOT Love.
Love is abundant. Love is expansive. Love is liberating.
Without a conscious relationship to Love, we unconsciously live out our childhood reactions to what we think is Love.
If you ever want to start building your awareness with Love, begin by asking this question.
Place your hand on your heart. Breath in and out from this place, and ask:
"On a scale of 1-10, how open am I to receiving?".
Your awareness of receivership will give you an understanding of your model of Love.