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I had a deep loathing for being female. I wanted to be a boy.
I would feel SO proud when someone called me a Tom Boy.
I wanted to be strong and powerful and I associated this with only being available to you if you're a boy.
I had this "belief" system centred around boys don't get hurt, life is much safer if you don't have emotions, and boys get what they want in life.
And, if you're a girl, you're weak. You will be taken advantage of. Girls are manipulative and conniving, and you cannot trust them.
Now - these stories I had - as much as they sound crazy - were what played out for the first 30 years of my life.
My story around females was completely disempowering.
Girls are mean, it's weak to be female, and you can't trust women.
I made choices from this belief system.
I found it difficult to be soft... I had no idea what compassion was... and I was ruthless in all my relationships.
In my romantic relationships - I ALWAYS had to be the alpha. I made sure I was.
I had to be one step ahead of them, reinforce that I don't need them... and the first moment that I feel flooded and out of control with my emotions - I'm out of there.
I had no idea that there was a thing called "talking" and "being on the same team" or "working together through conflict".
That was completely FOREIGN in my world.
There was NO capacity to connect with me. I couldn't connect with myself.
How could I?! I'm born in this physical body as a female and yet I loathed everything about her.
Where did it all come from?
I made up stories to make sense of my world as a 5-year-old child witnessing my parent's relationship.
I saw how my father overpowered my mother - he always had the upper hand. I took this to mean you need to be powerful and overpowering otherwise you're the weak one.
I made it mean, Men can do whatever they want and they will get away with it.
I made up stories to make sense of my world as a 16-year-old child witnessing my mother for years and years consistently crying, feeling less than, unable to leave a man that doesn't choose her.
I judged her for what I thought was being "desperate".
I made it mean, Women are desperate, weak, and will always lose out.
I made up stories to make sense of my world as a 21-year-old witnessing women who were married and had families of their own - fall for my father, the Spiritual Teacher.
I thought women were evil and you can't trust them. That they will take what's not theirs with NO regard for anyone else. I thought women were selfish.
Here's what's crazy - I had built an ENTIRE world around mistrust of women.
I didn't trust women. Which meant, I didn't trust myself.
However, do you know what adds to this craziness?
I also didn't trust men.
I equally had many stories about Men and why they weren't trustworthy.
Steve Jobs said; "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.".
I started to connect the dots on why my relationships would fail, why I didn't feel safe in my skin, and on why I felt lonely - and struggled to connect with others.
I started to connect the dots on these belief systems that didn't contribute to what I truly desired in life.
I literally was obsessed with proving to myself why the world is untrustworthy. Including me.
I couldn't trust myself to make great choices, and I couldn't trust myself to be worthy of Love.
I hated being female and wanted to be male because I believed it was "safer".
No wonder why I couldn't trust myself, I couldn't trust to feel safe in my own body.
What I came to understand is that we enter the world with complete Trust. Complete trust.
We don't question it.
EVERY baby trusts who it is and its life. Without the energy of trust, it isn't able to receive.
If you are someone that is challenged with trusting yourself, trusting your Heart and trusting your life - AND you want fulfilment, I need to you read the next line 10 times.
Trust is the pathway to receivership.
Without trust, there is no receivership. Trust is "surrender".
Trust is complete "faith" that life is on your side.
Trust is the energetics of being grounded and whole.
Now, truth is - this is a world for everyone. Not just a man and not just a woman.
And to create a fulfilling life, Trust is a prime ingredient.
Trust means we have faith in life working for us....and that life is on our side.
Without trust, we will feel up against life - and we block "receiving" the gifts of what it is to be alive.
Trust is working with the flow of life. Mistrust is the control of life.
Controlling life is suffocating life.
Nothing grows from being suffocated.
Where we control - because we don't trust, we stifle connection to life.
Trust yourself.
The only thing stopping you from trusting yourself is allowing yourself to trust yourself.
Sending love,
Yummii xx
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