Do you have a terrible two? threenager? or rebellious teenager?

21 years.

It takes a minimum...a MINIMUM of 21 years to truly even start mastering emotional regulation... (simply because the brain is still growing... !)

Because if it only took 3 years or 7 years or even 18 years.. why are so many adults dysregulated?! . .  

Your 7-year-old that is "wise beyond her years" and "mature for her age" and "such a responsible older sibling".... stop celebrating that.

Because the more you celebrate that, the more she will feel the "pressure" of needing to be responsible FOR EVERYONE.

By the time she is 25, she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.

She isn't regulated.

She is masking it.

Her anxiety, depression, and loneliness are heightened more than ever... and she will struggle in relationships.

She won't be able to open up. She won't be able to ask for help. And she won't be able to know that she is allowed to have a weak moment.

Now, she will be HIGHLY successful - and deeply lonely.

(I know you know this story well... in fact, it's yours)

Your 16-year-old that's slamming the door in anger - there's nothing wrong with them.

They are communicating that there is sadness that they have carried probably since 5 that is now too heavy to bear... and they don't know that they don't know they are even carrying it.

And.. as their parent, If you expect a 16-year-old to be able to handle their anger with poise - how often have you been able to do that for yourself?

Because... here's truth.

They are a mirror. . . What you do, is what they do.

You bury your sadness... they will too.

Now that 16-year-old that's so frustrated and can only act from a place of anger... sounds so familiar right?!

It's your partner/ spouse that acts like a 16-year-old parenting your 16-year-old...and now the inner-7-year old in you is HIJACKED!

Reality is, most parents are dysregulated and parenting from their inner-wounded child - because they were expected to grow up really quick OR there was no one around that could hold space for 21 years. 

I invite you to consider that once you become a parent, you're a parent till the day you die.

Besides the relationship with yourself, the relationship with your child lasts until your very last breathe Earthside.

It's never too late to make a change.

It's never too late to make amends.

And it's never too late to rebuild that relationship.

I have people in my programs that are grandparents reconnecting with their adult children and having conversations that they never had before.

I have parents that have teenagers that have minimal connection and conversation, to now cooking meals for the family, sharing about their deepest darkest moments and reaching out to their mothers for comfort and support.

It's never too late.

There is one constant that EVERY child, no matter the age, no matter the season, is seeking from their parent.

Connection.

Parenting isn't a set of tools and techniques or the "right" thing to say so you can manipulate their behaviour.

That's not conscious parenting - that's you being manipulative.

That's the reason why it's not working.

Parenting has EVERYTHING to do with you. Very little to do with them. .

They aren't being "terrible twos", or "threenagers" or "rebellious teenagers".

They are human beings, that are feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. When we are dysregulated - aren't we all??

Their age isn't the reason why they are disconnected from you.

That's YOUR excuse.

Seems like a great excuse because all the world is in on it.

The sad reality is this.

Sooner or later, you have to deal with the demons. You have to deal with the years of misunderstanding and take ownership.

Because parenting lasts a lifetime.

You don't "stop" being a parent when the children move out.

The most painful time in parenting isn't the first 21 years. It's in the years of 25+.

It's in the adult years.

You see... when your children get older, they realise that it's optional to have a relationship with you.

Yes, as a parent, you really want that relationship - however, without their buy-in, there's no relationship.

(I mean.. it's not a mystery why so many people dread family Christmas or have to move halfway across the world to be away from their parents!).

They entered earthside through you - they don't owe you, and you don't own them.

It's a two-way street. It's called a relationship. Not entitlement.

Parenting isn't complicated. There is ONLY one goal. Connection.

Connection - is elusive to most.

Why? Because connection doesn't come from your Mind - and most people pride themselves on living from their Mind.

Try it.

Go and connect with someone from a place of your Mind.

Go and build trust from your Mind.

Go and comfort and soothe someone from your Mind.

Go and restore and repair your relationship with your child from your Mind.

It's impossible.

Connection is rooted in your Heart.... it is the art of you being grounded in your body, being able to hold space for your own emotional regulation, and holding space for others... such that the words you speak hit in them in the core.

Because they finally FEEL that you get them.

They feel so seen, heard, and understood....because you're so connected to your own humanity.

So learn how to connect with your Heart... so you can build that connection with them.

If you want help, reach out. It's my genius.

Yes, it will take quite a commitment with time - (this isn't a weekend, a week, or a 90-day course...if those short-term solutions could create permanent transformation for you, they would have already) and you will be uncomfortable, it may even be the hardest program you have ever gone through AND you will have the most profound connection with yourself and the ones you truly care about.

Accessing your Heart isn't optional if relationships are important to you.

Connection is a brand new language, a brand new skillset, a brand new way of being - that is entirely lived from the Heart.

And if you have ONLY known what it is like to live from the Mind, connection doesn't live there.

Emotional regulation, what you're really demanding and asking of your children, requires them to feel a deep connected to themselves....

And they don't have the access to that if you're not deeply connected to yourself, so you can hold space for them to trust their connection to themselves.

So... who is going to end the generational pattern?

You? Or your child?

It really is time we stop Loving from our Minds - and letting the Mind be in the driver's seat of our relationships.

Sending love,
Yummii xx

PS If you're ready to break the cycle, reach out and connect here.