How to have your needs met

A few weeks ago, I did a poll on my personal Facebook profile on what parents yearned for the most.

Most of the respondents were mothers - and the answer that came out on top was this; "How to have my needs met". 

I reached out to a few of the respondents to find out more about what they meant, the challenges, and why their needs weren't being met.

Here's what came out of the conversations.

There was a mixture of resentment, self-sacrifice, being the hero, being a victim, and blame on the surface. Their partners "should" know and be more "supportive". 

We dig one level below, and they are frustrated with themselves and frustrated that they don't know how to ask for what they need and feel that their needs matter. 

Dig deeper, and there is an unconscious pattern of having a lack of boundaries, people-pleasing, needing to feel validated and approved, feeling responsible for everyone's emotional state, and trying to be in control of everyone and everything.

Dig deeper - and it's right there. 

• "I'm unlovable unless I am putting others first"
• "I'm a good mother if I put myself last"
• "I'm not enough unless I am being everything to everyone"

So the actual block of "having my needs met" had very little to do with an unsupportive environment and a lot to do with the guilt or the shame that they can ask for what they need and are lovable, worthy, and enough to give themselves permission to have their needs met. 

The reason why their needs weren't met:

• They didn't know how to ask for what they needed.
• Their needs weren't a priority.
• They felt guilty or shame around even having to needs.
• It was an unconscious pattern they learnt from their mother - everyone else's needs come first, and my needs don't matter.

This model of self-sacrifice, survival, and being the hero/ martyr doesn't work. 

And the reason it doesn't work is no different to a car that has an empty tank and expecting it to go on a road trip cross country. 

So how did we get here?! How did this come about?

It is based on what we thought would make us worthy of Love. 

We have all been that 3-year-old, 6-year-old, or even 15-year-old that are at the receiving end of something like this from our parents:

"If you love me, you'll do this...."

"Don't you know I love you... I gave up everything for you...."

"You're so ungrateful.... I'm doing all this for you....."

"I love you so much because you are x, y, z."

"That's a good girl - you're so good compared to [insert a sibling/ cousin/ friend]"

"Stop being so selfish, if only you were like your [insert a sibling/ cousin/ friend]"

"If you're not good, you don't get x, y, z."

All of that unconsciously programs us to believe "I am responsible for another's emotional state"... and "I am only worthy of love if my loved one is happy/ joyful/ approving/ validating".

So now - is that Love? or is it some inherited outdated view of Love that we are unconsciously playing out? Are we proving our worth and how much we Love another by running on empty, no petrol in the tank, being everything to everyone, living out perfection - and then feeling frustrated why our needs aren't met?

It may sound harsh. AND... it's intentional.

Because with this awareness comes responsibility. 

The responsibility of choosing what you're going to be more loyal too. Ignorance is no longer bliss.

Are you going to be more loyal to an outdated unconscious view of Love? Where Love is about putting everyone elses' needs first and running on empty, and continue to have your needs not met whilst resentment continues to brew and consume you?

OR are you going to be more loyal to healing this generational pattern and creating a healthier and conscious relationship to what Love truly is?

Let's get one thing clear. With Love, there is no sacrifice. With Love, no-one needs fixing - especially you.

Love is acceptance. Love is compassionate. Love is kind. Love is grace.

One of the healthiest things we can do in parenthood for our children and the next generation is this.

Letting go of this model of parenting sourced in self-sacrifice. 

It's the last thing your children want you to do. 

As an adult child, how does it feel when you look at your parents, and all you knew of their parenting was one of "sacrifice" - and here you are unconsciously carrying the burden of feeling as though you're responsible for their emotional state? - Is it expansive or contractive? Does it feel freeing and inspiring to be around them, or is it tense and filled with obligation?

You are worthy of having your needs met. Your children will benefit from you having your needs met.

Because... one day, your child will grow up, and they will be feeling 1 of 2 things.

a) Unconsciously carrying the burden of feeling as though they're responsible for your emotional state and wishing you were happier in life

b) Knowing you found delight in parenting them - and feeling so proud of how in love with life you are

The key to having your needs met - Heal your disease to please, the pursuit of perfection, self-sacrifice, and feeling as though you're responsible and in charge of everyone's emotional state.