I didn't always love who I was...

A few days ago, I shared an email about loving and celebrating on yourself. 

Most of the emails that come from me are about having a better relationship with ourself as the access to have Parenting be more fulfilling. 

....I know this can be hard.

I've been there...and for many, many, many years, I hated who I was. I hated being in my skin. Nothing ever felt good enough....and it was lonely.

Why I do, what I do... is because of this...

My first thoughts of suicide and feeling "different" came at age 12. I struggled with friendships. I struggled to feel as though I belonged in this world.

At 15, that's when the anxiety and depression kicked in. 

I can't remember what triggered it. However, I didn't want to "be here". I thought the world would be a better place without me here. It was a heavy time, and I felt no-one would understand.

I remember being in Year 10 Science, and that's when I saw it. A blade. 

I stole a few blades from the science labs at school. I can't exactly remember how I even had the idea or what prompted it... I remember thinking "I wish I weren't alive".

The pressure to be perfect, to be at the top of the class, to be obedient, to be a daughter that my parents could be proud of was proving to be too much.

I had to be someone that I wasn't to feel validated, approved and loved.

I couldn't wait to find a way to feel relief from the emotional pain. 

A few nights after stealing the blades from the science lab, after a fight with my parents - the anger, the upset, the fury led me to start a habit that lasted for almost 6 years. 

Self-harm. Some teenagers turn to alcohol and drugs. Others turn to sex. For me, my escape - self-harm. 

For over 6 years, I found relief from my emotional world by cutting myself. I would have to wait for weeks in between cuts for the scars to heal.

In those years - 2 attempts were of suicide. 

Fast forward to 21—the last year of my habit.

My mum caught on to what has been happening. The conversation went like this:

"What's that on your wrist? What happened?" She asked.

From memory, I think I have wanted her to notice for a while. They say that those that are anxious, depressive and do self-harm - it's a cry for attention. It is.

The attention I'm seeking is; "Please help me. I am drowning in despair. I'm drowning in pain."....AND...the only people that can help me heal it right now, my parents. I didn't know that then - and now I do. 

I look up at her - and there were no words from me. I had that lump in my throat - I didn't want her to see how much I was hurting and at the same time, I did.

I was secretly hoping she would know how to respond. To put her arms around me... some softness or something...

Instead... 

"It's those friends you hang around. They are a bad influence!" She yelled at me. My interpretation of her reaction was that she was disgusted at my behaviour.

At that moment I was so angry. I was disappointed. I was in disbelief. 

"Can't you see?!!" I exclaimed. "It has nothing to do with them - It's the both of you!..." 

And with that, my mother walked away. 

I know now that she was doing the best she could at that moment in time - and she had no idea what to do or say. 

The compassion, kindness and grace I was hoping for weren't possible - because she didn't have it within her. 

Empathy - to meet me where I was at - also not possible. Her heart was hurting. Her sense of self has been hurting ever since I was born. 

My parents and I haven't had the best relationship. It's toxic. I've learnt to love them from afar, create boundaries, and know that it's not my job to fix them or own their emotional state. It's been quite the journey.

I have also learnt that their actions, words, and how they are is not personal to me. They are truly doing the best they could with what they have and know. Understanding their story, their background, and choosing to consciously liberate myself from the pain they projected is a gift. 

What I know in my heart is that my parents loved me as best they could. They could also only love me to the extent they loved themselves.

What I also realised is that the teenage years are challenging. These are the years where your children NEED you the most. However, they aren't going to turn to you unless they have always felt safe, unjudged, and secure in their relationship with you.

Being a parent doesn't entitle you to the generosity of their vulnerability. You have to earn that trust. 

There's a difference between "knowing" my parents love me, to "feeling" my parents love me. 

Being a parent holds great responsibility - however, the responsibility isn't over what we do for our children or how we raise them.

The responsibility is over here with us. How we treat ourselves, how we love ourselves, how we are kind to ourselves. 

The doorway to understanding Spirit opens once we become a parent. Why? - because now we have the opportunity to "remember" our wholeness. Our true self. To liberate from all the barriers, we have created between ourselves and Love. 

My commitment to being a space in which others can return to their wholeness is a gift I am so honoured to share.

As a Spiritual being having a human experience, I believe I chose my parents. Without them, I wouldn't be doing the work I'm doing with Parents to have them honour their heart. I chose my journey.. and the many dark nights of the Soul from which I ventured, I wouldn't change a thing.

It has made me Love with more fierceness and resolve. 

The biggest regret most people have always come down to some form of; "Did I love well?"- "Did the ones I love, feel expanded by my love for them?".

Thich Nhat Hanh says; "Loving without knowing how to Love wounds the one we Love."

Most parents give their all to parenting - without realising that the Love they give us hurting their children - and herein lies the cycle of Generational Wounds and Trauma.

My intention in sharing a small part of my story is that if you are currently in a dark place, if you feel so separate within yourself - you have a choice as did I. 

The narrative is in your power - and you are worthy of crafting a beautiful story.

If you're going through your dark night of the soul - I want you to know I was there... I just didn't have nights; I had years of it. And if I can come out of it - so can you. 

So while "loving on yourself" may seem farfetched, start where you are—moment by moment, choice by choice. 

Today, I invite you to ask; "What is one thing I do that is unloving to me?". Bring awareness to it. Then ask, "What would be the most loving thing to choose from here?"

Love is always the answer. 

I hope this is a balm to your heart.