I don't want to be left behind...

We're in the car, and Brooklyn says...

"Mamma - I've been feeling really sad lately... "

"What's been sad for you?"

"Avery.... Do you think I'll get bigger than him one day?"

"....Hhhmm I'm curious - is that because you think you're small....?"

"Yeah... I hate being small...."

"What do you make it mean about being small?"

"When you're small, you get left behind..."

"And what do you make it mean that you get left behind?"

"That nobody loves you..."

"So you think if you're just as big as Avery or bigger, he can't leave you behind, and then he'll love you?"

"Yeah.... He might love me more if I am just as fast as him..."

Between the ages of 0 and 7, it's all about safety and security. 

The safety to be themselves. And the grounding and security to know that they are loved and they belong.

As adults, we forget that when we were younger, we would have deep thoughts and make up stories in our minds... We are trying to make sense of the world by seeing patterns and making meaning (eg for Brooklyn, it currently is "if you're small, you're left behind, or if you're bigger, you are more loved").

Most of the time, the stories and the meaning we make don't serve us and are faulty. 

We hang onto these stories and meanings well into our adult lives.

The presence and time it takes to create a safe space for our children to share their inner world with us go against EVERYTHING the modern world stands for.

Because that presence and that space for connection are built on trust.

And trust for children is built on play and time. 

What Brooklyn shared with me, was a big clue in what has been disturbing his Heart and what's needed as a family, for us to come together to create that safety and sense of belonging for him.

And that's the true gift of a family. We lift each other. Together. 

Brooklyn feels and knows John, and I love him. And currently, he is going through a phase where he doesn't feel that from his brother, Avery.

In my 1:1 time with Avery, I shared this and asked, "Can we work together to help Brooklyn feel loved and accepted? Is there anything you need from me, or is there anything frustrating you about your relationship with Brooklyn right now?"

I don't take it lightly that the boys trust me and share their inner world with me....and I am also extremely proud of the commitment, energy, and focus on making this a priority. 

And I couldn't do it without John's partnership - and our collective commitment to create a safe space as a family.

It takes A LOT to run a family, and it takes so much energy and effort to live "Family" as a value.

We all know the importance of it - and we struggle to create lives that reflect "family" is important. Not because we don't want to - it's because we don't know how... and we don't know what we don't know. 

When we didn't have children, people would say, "Wait till you have children.. it's so hard. There are terrible twos, threen-agers... " and so forth and so forth.

And then, when our children were infants and toddlers, it was, "Wait till they get to school. They'll give you an attitude.. and you won't get anything from them..."

And then when Avery was in school... "Wait till you have teenagers... "

I understand these perceptions that have been shared with me. I also get that it comes from a place of hurt, helplessness, hopelessness, and shame. What I also understand in the sharing is; "I hope you go through this too so I'm not alone in this..." - Seeking a universal agreement. 

Yes, it's common, and yes, it's hard - and it's not hard in the way you think.

And for those committed to breaking cycles - you need to break-free from the "common". 

Underpinning every parent-child relationship is one thing. Connection. And that - is timeless.

Master "connection," and it's no longer about their age. 

Most of us are terrible at connection. Why? Because we're afraid of vulnerability, intimacy... and getting hurt. 

Why? Because we make it mean something about ourselves.

If I were to ask you right now, "What does it mean that your teenager doesn't talk to you?" how would you respond?

Would it be: "I make it mean, I'm a failure..."; "I make it mean, I am stupid..."; or "I make it mean, there's something wrong with me..."

Or something similar?

See, it's much easier to say, "Oh, they are being a teenager with that attitude" than confronting "I'm feeling like I'm falling short and failing."

Because it's easier to blame rather than meet the pain within.

Imagine if your parents could hold space for you to meet the pain when you were 3. 
Imagine if you could hold space for your children to meet their pain without making it mean anything about themselves.

That's breaking "the common" and breaking the cycle. 

If you want to create connection with your children, learn to hold space.
You learn to hold space by learning to meet your pain.
You learn to meet your pain by learning how to connect with your Heart.

And you learn how to connect with your Heart, by choosing to be loving to yourself each and every day.

That's really the reason why parenting is hard. Not because of our children. And because we don't know how to be loving to ourselves. 

So... "How can you be more loving to you, today?"

Sending love,
Yummii xx