It doesn't feel safe to be you...

On a scale of 1-10, how seen, heard, and understood did you feel as a child?

This question could be one of the most important questions you'll answer.

It reveals your baseline of "belonging" in this world.

One of the hardest things that a child faces is the experience of feeling invisible and misunderstood.

If our parents and caretakers were in survival mode when we were growing up, or if they hadn't been taught how to be emotionally attuned, or if there is a household of 3 or more children all competing for attention - as a child, we take it personally. 

Add to that the complexity of trauma or circumstances where our mind/ body/ Spirit was violated or betrayed (through physical/ mental/ emotional abuse) - the experience of safety, being grounded, and belonging in the world is even more compromised.

As an adult, it is up to us to heal and allow ourselves to give ourselves the gift of "belonging", "safety", and "security". 

I know most of us don't go around openly admitting we don't belong or that we feel unsafe. 

It shows up in the way we push people away.

It shows up in how we do things "on our own".

It shows up in how we don't trust others.

It shows up by not asking for what we want or believing we are deserving of it - and we call it "realistic". 

It shows up by returning to our familiar patterns of suffering, loneliness, or believing that we have to earn and prove ourselves to "belong". 

If you didn't have a sense of "belonging" growing up - as a parent and now an adult, that's the opportunity for healing.

Nothing is more important than knowing "It is safe to belong" in the world. If you don't feel like you belong - you will find it really hard to allow yourself to love your life.

When small children don't have a sense that they belong, that they are wanted, that it is safe to be them - the world is confusing.

It feels unsafe. It feels threatening. It feels like they are on their own - and no one is there. 

That's a reckoning on the Heart. That's a reckoning on the Soul.

It's not then a mystery that so many struggle in relationships, in feeling connected to each other and their children, and it becomes addictive to "fight with life". 

The sadder part in all of this is that there are people that will defend their identity of "doing life alone" and that "they don't need anyone". 

You can't live your best life or live to your fullest potential if you continue to push people away.

You can definitely not live a fulfilling life if you're always on edge, on guard, and don't trust life. 

And if you can't be yourself and trust that life is on your side, and trust the safety and security of your home life, your relationships - you're limited in how much you can love your life. 

A great test of how much you trust yourself, trust your life, and trust your sense of belonging is this.

• If you're in a relationship, on a scale of 1-10 - how confident are you in bringing up tough issues and knowing your partner has your back no matter what?
• If you're single and you're a parent, on a scale of 1-10, if I asked your child how seen, heard, and understood they feel by you, what would their answer be?

To truly experience the most potent sense of belonging, it is a knowing on a cellular level "I am loved" even if we don't see eye to eye; "I am loved" even if there is conflict, "I am loved" even when I'm at my worst.

That's true belonging. 

So many of our challenges, issues, and not knowing how to be intimate with each other and with life come back to our sense of belonging.

Start with belonging to you. Start with feeling safe to be you.

I know as a parent I have a burning desire, a fierce pursuit, of being a parent to two boys who are going to have a healthy sense of self - and have a healthy sense of belonging. 

I've witnessed first-hand what life is like when you don't feel like you belong.

The addiction to rejection, abandonment, self-loathing and distrust in others and yourself is heartbreaking.

I'm clear that if you're here and reading this, I know you know how important it is to have healthy relationships.

A prerequisite to healthy relationships is a powerful sense of belonging. 

Because a powerful sense of belonging reflects a powerful relationship to self-worth. 

If you're looking for support on how to heal your sense of belonging and return to yourself - it's the work I do in my Mastermind and group coaching programs. Click here to find out more. 

Sending love,

Yummii xx