Have you ever had that friend that kept complaining about the same thing over and over again? Or finding themselves amid drama consistently?... and they can't see it? They know something needs to change; however, they don't know what or how.
They are unhappy - on some level they are bored with their story, and yet it keeps going on repeat?
... or this person may even be you?
That's what addiction looks like.
When we're an addict, we don't want to face it - and we don't even know we're an addict. Everyone else can see it but us.
On some level, we know "something" needs to change - and we choose to ignore the severity. Somehow, we buy into "ignorance is bliss".
The elephant in the room when it comes to parenting is this - unless we heal our addiction to suffering and survival - we will pass it on.
Either we heal - or our children, as grown adults are the ones going to seek healing.
Imagine for a moment; your child is upset. They are in emotional pain.
They are unleashing it in your space—the screaming, the yelling, or even maybe the withdrawal and the silence.
You can see it - and yet you feel anger, or frustration, or apathy. You feel out of control. Irrespective of whether your child is 2 or 15 - pain is pain. Pain doesn't discriminate based on your age.
There's a part of you that wants to comfort them and innately knows that they are seeking love and connection. That what they need right now isn't shame or more insult.
Yet, you can't help it. You pull away. The more they need you, the more you pull away. It's like a crazy freight train that you can't stop.
The more they need you, the more you withdrawal. Why is it so hard to meet them with love, you think? You know what to do - and you can't.
You're hurting so much from within, that you're unable to see a way out.
Your heart beats faster, your breathing is contracted, and your body is flooded with pain.
You give yourself permission to be loyal to the hurt within you.
You give yourself permission to act out from "there". You're hijacked, you know it, and the only path forward is to fall victim to this pattern.
After the storm, you have no idea how to repair.
The guilt, the shame, the barrage of judgement from yourself to yourself comes through.
The cycle repeats.... because, you subconsciously know, children are forgiving.
And like any addict - you don't want to deal with it - and you hate yourself when you go through it. So you continue to numb because no-one is calling you out on it.
The moment that you even allow yourself to empathise with what your child may be going through - it gets too much...You don't want to feel it.
...because you have been there before - you were that child. You know what it feels like to be misunderstood. To feel unseen, unheard, and unaccepted for who you are and where you are.
...And yet, you promise yourself, you would never do this to your child.
So why does it repeat?
Until, each of us, are willing to have the courage to heal our hurt - we're parenting from our hurt.
I love conscious parenting - It's an amazing and beautiful place from which to parent.... and yet, the thing that we have to acknowledge is this - when we're doing conscious parenting from a space of lack, scarcity, and "I'm not enough" - it is more of the same.
It's the same addiction playing out - just with a different outfit.
And, it causes more pain than it does healing. Because once again, we're "doing this for the kids and yet it's not working!".
The mind that creates the problem cannot be the same mind that solves it.
... and most of us are trying to heal the wound, from the place of being wounded.
Here's what I'm inviting you to entertain... What would it be like to recover from the unconscious addiction of suffering, survival, and shame?...
How would you live? How would you love? And how would this contribute to a legacy for your family?
Whether you accept it or not - you are your child's permission slip to whether they feel worthy, lovable, and enough.
Here's what I want to be clear on - this isn't to add to your shame. That's not my intention.
I'm all for compassion, I'm all for forgiveness, and I'm all for being kind to ourselves... and doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is insanity.
It's no different to being in a relationship where the other person is continuously cheating, and you're feeling betrayed - and you continue to forgive, and it keeps happening.
Only, in this instance, your child is the one feeling betrayed.
Yes - as parents we are all doing the best we can....and your children are desperately, desperately, wanting you to feel more whole, more love, and more connection within yourself...
...Because it's impossible to act from shame, suffering, and survival - when you are whole.
It's almost the end of 2020 - some may say it was the most challenging year ever - I believe, it's the year where you couldn't numb yourself any longer. There was no more running away.
... So are you ready to break the cycle? Is it going to end with you?
If you want to get an insight into how much suffering you're carrying; here are some reflection questions:
How you do one thing is almost an indicator of how you do everything. Parenting is a mirror of your internal world.
Ignorance is only bliss for so long - until it no longer is.
If you're reading these words, and it's hurting, maybe it's time to heal.
Maybe you're ready....and maybe you're ready to break-up with the addiction of suffering, survival, and shame.
If you are, I would love to help. Starting in December, I'm creating a Mastermind specifically around Generational Wounds and Reparenting. If you want to find out more and you believe you're ready to start healing, transforming, and begin 2021 with more expansion, apply for a complimentary consult here.
I want you to know it's possible for you to heal - and you are the only one that has the final say on how this story ends.