The quiet suffering of fathers

Uncategorized Jun 25, 2020

When Avery was 3 weeks old, I had the biggest epiphany with John. It was the first week back at work for John and my first week alone with Avery (this is where I think modern society has NOT been set up for families to thrive! - Another topic for another day!).

It's the end of the week, and John comes home from work. He is exhausted - and what I see is probably only the surface of what he is feeling within.

I also had a rough day - I was spent. 

I was soo looking forward to John coming home from work so I could get 10-15 minutes to myself.  I also made a promise to myself that no matter how hard the day was - that my emotions are MINE to own and not to take it out on John. 

He walks through the door and settles in at home. Our home arrangement was also for him to organise dinner and look after our household. 

"Can you take Avery for a little bit?". I asked

I hand Avery over to John. I'm sitting on the couch. I don't particularly want to do anything besides savour these minutes that I don't have to be holding Avery and just having some space.

Avery is crying in John's arms. I can hear John getting frustrated. 

My mind is now getting reactive. Two conversations are going through my head.

One conversation: "WTF?!!?!.. Can't you handle our child... I just want 10 minutes to myself... DEAL WITH IT!... IT'S OUR CHILD! LEARN DAMN IT"... and you can imagine the type of "energy" of these thoughts. It was insane!

The other conversation that was going on in my head: "What would Love do?... Breathe. You're getting hijacked. You're only one choice away from Love or Fear. Choose."

I chose the latter conversation. I walked over to John, and said; "Have a moment to yourself.. I'll take Avery."

We're both sitting there, and I could feel the tension in my body. The anger, the frustration, the sense of being a victim wanted to hijack my words and actions. I dug deep.

I started getting into John's world. I started being curious about how he is feeling and what is going on for him.

"Are you trying to do perfect, baby?". I asked him. I knew John had the "perfectionist" disorder!

"Are you trying to be the perfect father and husband?... and on top of that - is work a bit much right now?"

I could sense his eyes tear up a little. I could sense how disappointed he was in himself that he couldn't do it all. 

"Yeah, I think I am. It's the first week back, and it's intense, and I guess I didn't know it - yeah... it's hard. It's hard adjusting to the lack of sleep, then I want to come home and help you as I know you've had a rough day... and I guess I'm just feeling I'm not doing anything right." He responded.

I would never forget this conversation. It opened up my heart and my mind that - we are all doing our best.. and to look out for one another. That this parenting gig - requires so much compassion, presence, and kindness for one another.

Now - I'm not perfect - far from it... The ONLY way I was able to have that capacity to choose to show up with Love is because I am emotionally generous to myself.

Self-care has always been a priority since the very first day Avery entered Earthside.

I knew you couldn't give from an empty cup. I watched my parents do it - and saw the joy get drained out from their experience of life. 

Chances are if you're feeling emotionally spent with nothing in the tank - there is a high potential that your partner may be too. If you're in a relationship and parenting with a man, there is a strong wiring within them to "fix" things.

...and if your partner is the eldest child, they are probably living out a belief of needing to hold it all together, to be the provider, to put their joys last... and to "just get on with it". They have their unique way of being trapped by the "perfectionist" syndrome. 

If you're also finding that you are feeling disconnected with one another, and you aren't parenting on the same page (I may be generalising here however if you're taking on a conscious parenting path and your partner is struggling with it) - they are "suffering", and they don't know that they are suffering. 

I call this the "quiet suffering of fathers".

The conversation on mothers self-sacrificing and suffering, putting everyone's needs first is getting traction... and slowly but surely, we're living in a wonderful time right now where this is shifting. 

Alongside this though, and something important to equally recognise and raise the volume on, is our partners, the fathers of our child are also going through their version of self-sacrifice and suffering. It may not look like the "mothers" version - and it is something that exists.

I think of "suffering" as an emotional disconnection to your "true-self". You can tell when someone is "suffering" when they lack joy in their life and in their being. It's hard for them to be emotionally generous, and anything can trigger them.

The slightest thing can create an emotional reaction. 

Why? Because they are hurting inside - and they don't know that they are hurting. There is the unconscious thought that the hurt,"is who they are". 

Every parent wants to do their best - and in fact, we are all doing our best with what we know and with the internal resources available to us at this moment in time. 

I share this with you today so you can start creating the habit of being emotionally generous to you, to one another - and when you make this a priority, when you can give yourself and your partner grace - life flows. You're connected to the river of Life.

Earlier this week, my amazing friend and soul sister Lisa Winneke - the creator of The Good News Guide (launching soon) had this conversation via a FB Live. If it's something that resonates and speaks to you - You can view the discussion here.

No two families are the same. There is no "right" or "wrong way to do parenting.

And what I'm clear on - is that we want to be the kind of parents, and create the kind of partnership in parenting - that lights us up, fuels our spirit - and be the guardian of our child's soul such that it will always remember it is Loved.

It starts with each of us choosing to bring Love to any "suffering" or "sacrifice" that has made it's home in our being. We're all in this together.

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