The reason your child isn't listening

"You're not listening to me?!"

Do you feel yourself say that one too many times? Do you feel powerless and helpless and out of control sometimes?

Do the frustration and the angst consume you?

There is a key intention I have for this post.

To heal your addiction to having your child listening to you. 

Because when your attention is on your child listening to you, most probably what will be heightened is when they aren't. 

When a parent exclaims, "You're not listening to me", what they mean is, I'm not in control. 

Because here's the reality. No one has to listen to you. Not your spouse, not your partner, not your child, not your boss, not your employees.

If we think about "listening", - it is something we take for granted. 

We assume that as a parent, our child "should" listen to us. This belief doesn't take into account "we are in a relationship".

This belief that a child should listen is an unconscious belief of "I am in charge, I have the power" - and therefore, what will come of it are power struggles.

When we're in a power struggle - we're not in a relationship. We're not relating to each other. 

No one likes being told what to do (whether you're 2 or 22 or 55)! We do, however, love being empowered.

We are receptive to being influenced when we feel the other person has our best interest at heart. 

Instead of being addicted to our child listening to us, what if the focus was on "connecting" with our child?

Connection leads to empowerment.

"Who do I need to be? What does my child need from me so that I can empower them?"

Because what we truly want is to be able to influence and guide our children. 

To influence and guide our children means that the connection in the relationship is high.

And for the connection to be high, our child feels seen, heard, and understood. 

Think about it. Think about who you go to for advice. Think about who influences you in your choices.

Predictably, it is those that you feel connected, appreciated, loved, and safe. You hear advice from those that have your back. That you believe, have your best interest at heart. 

The same advice can be given to you by someone with who you feel unsafe, and you wouldn't "hear" it in the same way because there is a lack of trust. 

You are your parent's child, and that doesn't entitle you to their trust. 

What we focus on expands.

If we are consistently focused on "my child doesn't listen to me", that will continue to expand.

If we are focused on "how can I increase the connection with my child", that too will expand. 

In feeling safe, in feeling seen, it is in connection that a child wants to listen to their parents and be influenced by what their parent has to say. 

It is in "connection" that we can empower them. Without connection, there is no opportunity to empower them - and it is a power struggle.

On a scale of 1-10, how high is the connection between your child and you from your child's perspective?

On a scale of 1-10, how emotionally safe does your child feel with you?

On a scale of 1-10, what is your level of wellbeing?

When your connection to your child is at least an 8/10, and your child feels 8/10 emotionally safe with you, they will listen. They want your influence. 

If the connection to your child is less than an 8/10, and they feel less than an 8/10 emotionally safe with you, that's when the power struggles come in.

And what does this have to do with your wellbeing?

When you are at your highest level of wellbeing, when you are overflowing - you'll have the capacity to make the connection with your child and their emotional world a priority. 

When your well-being is compromised, that's when you're addicted to "they're not listening to me". 

Listening is a gift that another gives you. It is a gift that is given when the connection is high. 

What you focus on expands. Focus on the connection - and your influence expands.