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I'll never forget this line that one of my mentors shared with me in my late 20s.
It is easy to be great when circumstances are great. It's extraordinary to be great when the circumstances are against you.
And how I relate this to parenting is that it's really easy to be the parent that you want to be and that your children need when they are listening to you, you feel that they are cooperating and overall, there is harmony.... AND.. it really takes something to be the kind of parent that can show up and meet our children where they are at, and be our best selves when they are hijacked and are completely closed off, shut down, and having a hard time.
I know you know these are the moments that really require calm and patience - and yet how do you cultivate that when all you want to do is react, scream, yell, and tell them how ungrateful they are or you also want to give up and shut them out?
"Love is patient. Love his kind. Love keeps no records of wrongdoings."
When it comes to our children and ourselves, when the circumstances are testing, we have to understand that there's our point of view, our child's point of view, the actual reality of it all, and the truth of it all.
Our point of view is based on where we are mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
There are 4 places in which our point of view is formed about our child, about what is going on, and how we will ultimately show up and meet, withdraw our love or fight with our child.
When we are in our inner wounded child, we will meet them from a place of Fear. They occur as threatening, deliberately pushing our buttons. We take it really personal... so here we are in our inner wounded child, meeting them as a child. Expectations are high, and the demand for them to be better or snap out of it is heightened.
You know how this goes. It doesn't end well.
No child has ever parented another child that has come out feeling more safe, secure, and at home with the world.
The second potential place where we can meet our child is what I call the "depleted parent". In the depleted parent point of view, we just want to fix (compared to the inner child point of view, we want to attack, defend, give up, threaten, yell, manipulate, guilt trip and shame, or have an adult tantrum!).
From a place of feeling depleted, we are wanting to "fix" them. We think there's something wrong and that they are a problem that we need to fix. So... from this state, we bring logic, we rationalise, intellectualise, analyse, and we want to teach (when it's NOT a teaching moment).
When our child is struggling, the last thing that will help them is us being a child or us trying to fix and teach them.
These 2 places only have 1 outcome. Disconnection. Which leads to distrust. They won't be able to trust that you can love them and accept them as they are.
To be able to bring patience and presence and be the parent that we want to be for our children in these moments where they are really tested, there are only two places that will make this possible.
I call these two places the level of consciousness of Wholeness and our Highest Self.
In wholeness, we aren't judging them or judging their behaviour.
In wholeness, we're curious. In wholeness, we know how to hold a safe space while they are navigating being human.
We're allowing them to be who they need to be in the moment and at the same time, knowing that this too shall pass. This is temporary.
Wholeness is the consciousness of the heart.
When you're in your inner child, and when you're feeling depleted, you are in your mind.
When our child is having a hard time, this is when they need us to be in our hearts.
Because it's the heart that can be empathetic. It's the heart that can be understanding.
It is the heart that is curious.
It is the heart that knows how to hold space.
And then... there is the state of our Higher Self.
In this state, we see the perfection of the moment, and we see the depth of what it is and what it means to be human.
In this state, the experience is so vast and spacious that we witness their hurt, their pain, their frustration, and their anger and have a deep knowing and reverence that this is part of the human experience. It isn't ours to fix or own. It's their journey.
Patience and presence come from the Heart.
Patience and presence can only be given to our children when we are in our Hearts, and, therefore in a state of Wholeness or our Highest Self.
So how can we be more patient? How can we bring more presence?
How do we tune into wholeness and tune into our Highest Self?
Make your relationship with your Heart a priority. Make it THE priority when it comes to your relationships.
Like any relationship, start with understanding your heart, getting to know your heart, get intimate with it...
The hardest thing in the world is to be authentically you.
If growing up, you weren't allowed to cry, you weren't allowed to show any emotion, in your deepest, darkest moments as a five-year-old there was no comfort, there was no empathy or understanding, there was no love given when you needed it... it's not a mystery in why you struggle with connecting to your heart as an adult.
This isn't to blame our parents. It isn't to blame our upbringing, and it is time to take responsibility for our starting point.
Your child will struggle with being authentically them if you struggle with meeting them with your Heart in their most tested moments. It won't feel safe to be authentic.
The quality of our presence and the quality of our patience, the safety of the space that we hold for them in their darkest moments are going to influence their perception of how safe it is to be them and how safe it is to be loved for who they are in this world.
To feel safe to be ourselves is everything.
If you want to know more about the 4 levels of consciousness and states as a parent, check out the mini-training I prepared here.
Lastly, let me remind you.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love keeps no record of wrongdoings.
You can't give what you don't have. You can't bring what you don't embody. So, it starts with you.
Where can you be more patient with yourself? Where can you be kinder to you? ... And how can you cultivate such a loving relationship with yourself that you are no longer continuously berating and beating yourself up - day in and day out, for falling short of your own expectations of who you need to be?
If you really want to know the secret to be able to be more patient and present, learn to be patient and present with yourself first.
Sending love,
Yummii xx
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