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If I was to ask you....
On a scale 1-10 - how proud are you of who you are and how you show up in your relationship, what would you say?
And on a scale 1-10 - how proud are you of who you are and how you show up in your parenting, what would you say?
John and I have been married 9 years and together for almost 13.
Since we started dating, every month for almost 13 years, we celebrate, and we reflect on how we show up and who we want to be for each other.
I didn't grow up witnessing this from my parents, nor did I grow up with any role models who had a healthy, connected relationship.
Reflection and consistently owning where we are is key to a thriving relationship.
When was the last time you checked in with each other?
There are going to be seasons where we fall short, seasons where we are soaring, and seasons where we reassess and make different choices.
Because there is one constant in thriving relationships. Choosing each other.
And there is a force that you cannot work against. Impermanence.
Who I am and who John is will always be evolving.
When you can recognise this in your relationships - you've got power. (Hint hint, do this in your parenting and parenting isn't about controlling the kids or having them listening to you!)
For our 9th Wedding Anniversary... our reflection questions were:
- Scale 1-10 - how proud are you of how you showed up as a partner/ spouse?
- Scale 1-10 - how proud are you to have me as your wife/ husband?
- Standing at our 10 year mark, what would you have liked to have happened or what would you like more of, that you will be responsible to bring in our relationship?
.....and how would you rate me as a husband/ wife out of 10.
John answered:
He is an 8/10 for how proud he is as a husband.
He shared that it is a 9/10 for how proud he is to have me as his wife.
and at the 10 year mark he is looking at more Joy and Playfulness in our relationship.
I rated him 8/10 for how he shows up as a husband.
I answered:
I am an 8/10 for how proud I am as a wife.
I shared that I am a 10/10 proud of having him as a husband.
And at the 10 year mark, me too - More Joy and Playfulness in our relationship.
He rated me 7.5/ 10 for how I show up as a wife.
We would then have a discussion on how to make it 1 point more or what was missing.
His biggest challenge with me is housework and things in the home (me leaving dishes in the sink, forgetting the lights) and feeling as though he is 2nd best to the children (he feels I take their side more than his).
My biggest challenge with him is patience, compassion and empathy with the kids and feeling as though we're not always on the same page with parenting.
He also shared something that I heard for the first time. "I'm always afraid you're going to leave - that's why I gave it a 9/10 for how proud I am to be your husband. It would be a 10/10 if I had that certainty and knowing you won't leave..."
It's so important to "hear" each other in this conversation. I didn't need to defend myself, nor did he.
That I can love myself enough to feel into his reality.
And that he can love himself enough to feel into my reality.
And that we aren't making it mean anything about ourselves or each other.
I believe the change we seek in the world starts with ourselves - and who we can be for each other.
I've always seen my relationship with John as a contribution to what's possible in service of Love.
It has never been about our "personalities" (because that changes) or our "likes and dislikes" (and that changes too!) - rather, we direct the energy of our relationship towards possibility and creation.
For that's partnership.
That's co-creation.
And that's showing up as our Highest Selves in relationship.
My intention of sharing this is twofold.
1. Inviting you to take these reflection questions and have them in your relationship
2. Take ownership of how you have been showing up....
Because the truth shall set you free.
These reflection questions aren't limited to just relationships.
You can use them for every area of life.
I often get my children to rate me as their mother. Now, that's humbling..as it is really moving and magical.
Some days I'm passing with flying colors - other days, and I'm humbled by what they are sharing.
You want to know that reflecting on yourself, on how you show up in relationship, and taking ownership of your energy - is the key to co-creation.
And this is the work no-one wants to do.... because we want someone else to come save us or we want someone else to be responsible to make our dreams come true....
Or we want someone else to take responsibility for what's in our Hearts and make it manifest.
Doesn't work that way ;)
Email me and share with me what you discover and the realisations about who you have been and what you are not committing too.
Writing it out and recognising where you are to where you want to be is the very first courageous step.
Sending love,
Yummii xx
PS You may have wanted to throw-up at the thought of having these conversations with your partner/ spouse. Or you may have had a physical reaction of fear.
That's normal. That's meant to happen when you are doing something new.
Feel the fear, and do it anyway.
If you don't do it now - when?
And if you don't do it now - what's going to happen a year from now? 3 years from now?... I'll tell you what will happen. Nothing. It will be the same.... and are you ok with that?... And if you are ok with that - Don't be.
Mediocre isn't why you're here. You are not average. You are not mediocre. So stop buying into that.
Go have the conversations. The worst that can happen is you feel embarrassed. The best that can happen, you start building connection.
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