I'm in bed, and the crying won't stop. I've never felt sadness, grief, loss, and despair like what I'm feeling at this moment. Depths of pain I've never had the courage to confront.
It's relentless - and I want it to stop. Yet, I also know I have to allow the emotions to run through. Suppressing them or trying to make myself feel better and halting this process of healing will only mean it will stay in my body.
John's next to me. He feels helpless. He wants to fix it.
"Is there anything I can do?".
"Just hold space. Just hold me.... and know that this is a normal reaction. There's nothing wrong with me...".
There are moments where I'm howling.. there are moments where it seems the tears subside.. and then it starts again.
For a whole week or more, I'd wake up crying, go through the day crying, and go to bed crying.
I had just gone through our second miscarriage. This is grief coming through.
...And it was in this loss, going through this grief that created the most incredible foundation for my relationship to myself as a mother.
After the tears subsided, an opening for reflection came through.
I asked John the following question; "Why fatherhood? - WHY do you want to become a father, and if you can't be a father, how would you feel about your life - would it be incomplete - and why?"
John and I started reflecting on "Why parenthood?". Why did we want to become parents?
This question - then opened up many other discoveries.
One thing was clear though; the opportunity to be a parent is a gift - A gift that our children give us - such that we can fulfil a personal desire. I realised in desiring to become a parent, it is very much about the parent, and not about the child.
A few months later, we were ecstatic to have found out we were expecting another - and this time, one thing was very different—my relationship to parenthood.
The miscarriages were a blessing. The experiences taught me that parenting is a choice. I choice that I am making - no-one else.
...and therefore, if it's a choice, there are no victims.
...and if I see this as a choice I'm making, I would also be interested in how to "honour" this choice of being a parent?. How do I bring reverence to this choice that I have made?
In this enquiry of what Motherhood and parenting meant, and uncovering the layers within my heart - I created a Vision for Motherhood.
This was my North Star.
We don't often hear families create a Vision for Motherhood/ Fatherhood - yet, it is in creating this Vision that helps us navigate the challenges.
The challenges are always there - and we have power on how we navigate the challenges.
How we navigate and show up in the challenges of parenthood is directly correlated to our relationship of parenthood. To what this "choice" means for our expression of life.
In creating a Vision for Parenthood - we are taking the reigns of who we get to become, how we show up, and we are taking full ownership of the choice in becoming a parent.
Why is this important? - Because there is nothing worse than the internal conflict of "being a parent" and "not living from spirit" - where you're basing parenting on a false pretence that it is all about the children and you have to sacrifice your soul.
Here's my invitation - what if you could entertain the idea, or even be open to how, in being a parent, it is inviting you to expand?
Your children don't want you to dim your light. Your children want you to thrive.
In fact, there's nothing more that they truly desire.
The love you give from a place where you're overflowing - is palpable. It is the type of Love free of burden. A Love that isn't tainted with self-betrayal.
Your children are also looking to you to guide the way in being a demonstration of owning your life - not surviving or being a victim to it. ....and yes, this will take some mental and emotional shifts. If you're reading this, I know you're up for it!
So here is my gift to you - Here is a guide to help you craft Your Vision of Motherhood. Your North Star. There are journaling prompts and questions you can ask your partner/ spouse and yourself.
This guide is an extract from my online coaching program, The Motherhood Mindset.
My invitation is this - embrace the idea, that when YOU thrive, your family thrives.
When YOU shift the focus of parenting to be about you, to heal your wounds, to expand your awareness, that you made this choice to contribute to your self-actualisation - not only are you creating a powerful legacy and breaking generational wounds - you're giving your children permission to thrive. To know what it looks like to have a healthy sense of self and wholeness.
I hope you take the time out, for you, to create your North Star.
Do this, and see how your parenting changes. See what shifts are possible. Witness yourself "bloom".
Remember, dimming your light serves no-one.
Your leadership is needed. Now more than ever.