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I used to ask this question a lot.
It was a visceral body experience to consistently think there was something wrong with me, that I was doing something wrong, that I was about to experience something wrong...
And then... on my 29th birthday, I decided I would no longer tolerate this question.
I started asking, "What is right about me?"
I would journal every day and write down three things I did that were loving.
I would also write down what I did that WASN'T loving to me without judgement or criticism so I could change my behaviour.
Now - this is HARDER than you think because what came up for me were the experiences of self-indulgence, being self-absorbed, self-centred, and "who am I to do this?!"
What to know what kept me going?
I asked myself this question: "Who am I for myself such that I'm always looking for what's wrong with me?"
The answer was simple. Worthless. Unlovable. Not enough.
Interesting, I thought. That identity - wasn't going to give me the life I wanted.
I had these dreams that I consistently fell short of.
I wanted to make the most of this life - and I consistently felt I wasn't - and that I was falling behind, I was running out of time, and I would get overwhelmed.
It made sense.
Only someone with an identity of Worthlessness, Unloveable, and Not enough would behave and experience life that way.
The hardest thing about changing behaviour is changing your identity.
And you can't change your identity without integrating into a new one.
That process of changing identity means you must be willing to let go of the old you.
Everyday. One bit at a time. Lose a little of the old, be a little of the new. Why? Because nature abhors a vacuum.
I will never forget that 29-year-old version of me that drew a line in the sand and said, "I'm choosing to live my life from my Heart - and NOTHING will ever let my Heart harden."
She was going through a separation. All her money was invested into her failing start-up and supporting her ex so there was no savings or money - she left everything to her ex because she didn't want to "fight" anymore... she wanted peace.
Her circumstance would have warranted her to close up her Heart and harden.
NOPE... not this time. Every time something didn't work out, she closed her Heart and did this for 29 years. She was done behaving this way.
If anything, this circumstance fuelled a fire in her to expand that Heart and keep it open more than ever.
I still remember that feeling in my body... and I remember that day so vividly as she declared, "I'm choosing to live from my Heart".
She valued Peace within herself more than ANYTHING in this world.
That incessant, relentless voice of "You're not enough", "You're unworthy", "You're unlovable", "Who do you think you are to do that - you're stupid!"....
Those voices she had in her head were mean. Those voices she had in her head didn't serve her.
And those voices weren't hers.
And... if those voices lived in the Mind... she knew that the mind that created the problem couldn't be the mind that solves it ;)
She knew that this wasn't something you could navigate via the Mind.
It was an initiation into living from the Heart, trusting, surrendering to, and embodying that.
This wasn't a conscious phenomenon. It's a game of hacking the subconscious...and it's in the body.
The 29-year-old me had travelled the world alone, had created two start-ups, and looked like she had it all together on paper.
There is what she showed to the outside world and what it feels like within.
Inside she was crumbling, frail, terrified, and afraid.
Afraid... and constantly worried, guilty, thinking about what others thought of her... and wanting to be the best at everything yet consistently feeling like a failure.
She had no idea what relaxation was.. she didn't know how to have fun or be playful and struggled with opening up to others.
The idea of depending on others or trusting others was impossible.
WELL.. that had to change if she wanted healthy relationships, to live on purpose, and to live her best life and leave no stone unturned.
I share this story with you with three intentions.
1. The game of transformation is a game of Heart
2. Get clear on What matters to you? I was clear that relationships mattered to me - and my current identity wasn't going to cut it.
3. Start asking different questions and get curious about "who" is asking the questions.
What you focus on expands. Continually focusing on what's wrong with you - and that will continue to expand.
Start focusing on your greatness, what's right about you, on LOVE and being loving and kind to you - and watch the Universe wrap itself around you.
If you're a parent, and you're reading this - the cost of you not loving who you are....and focusing on your greatness, goodness, and what is "right" about you... the cost is your children will never feel your Love for them.
For Love that's given from an identity of "I'm not enough" or "There's something wrong with me"... that kind of Love, is very hard to receive.
So ... .share with me... What's something great about you?
What's something you Love about yourself?
And where have you been loving to you?
Would love to know!
Sending love,
Yummii xx
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