A few evenings ago, I did a Masterclass "Meet Fear, with Love", and in it, I shared the 5 most common habits we do that impact our relationships and parenting - that aren't aligned with Love.
1. Feeling as though we have to "fix" the other person, or that there is something wrong here that we have to "fix" - and therefore are responsible for making someone else feel better.
eg My child is crying, there's something wrong here, it's my job to make them feel better. Or My partner or spouse is not happy and fulfilled; I need to change them.
2. Taking things personally
e.g. Everyone is so ungrateful, and they don't appreciate what I do!
3. Blaming/ being a victim
e.g. It's all my fault, or it's all your fault.
4. Over giving/ being the saviour/ the martyr/ self-sacrificing
e.g. Don't they know how much I give?!!? I've sacrificed everything... Everyone else comes first...
5. Judging their vulnerability and expecting connection
e.g. "Don't be sad, you don't need to be sad... " or "There's nothing to be angry about - you need to count your blessings!".
The common thread amongst all these habits is that they are from the Mind.
Can you relate to any of the above?
If I were to ask you, where do you Love from? Mind or Heart? What would you say?
The purpose of relationships is to Love. To experience deep connection. To be held by each other and one another.
(Do any of the above habits have you feel closer, more seen, more heard, more understood?)
Yet, if we always love from our Minds, can we genuinely create that deep connection?
A common request I get from my clients is, "Can you teach me how to be more present, calmer, and more patient with my children? ...and teach me how to be so that my child listens! I want to stop yelling... I want to stop reacting... I want to stop feeling out of control."
Where do you think a parent loves from if they are struggling to be present/ calm/ patient and really enjoy the children?
Suppose you pause for a moment and think about your Mind. Your Mind is all about survival, intellect, logic, and analysis. It is a beautiful thing... however, can logic, intellect, analysis, and survival create deep connection?
The Mind is all about the known. It is all about seeing patterns. It is all about everything BUT the present moment.
In this powerful Masterclass, I had a parent ask me, "Yummii, how do we come from the Heart if we have to give our children consequences because we want to teach them how to make good choices later on? If they've done something wrong, they need to learn and be punished somehow... I mean... otherwise, they wouldn't learn."
It was such a GREAT question because this is how most of us have been raised - in the name of Love... and so we think this is what it means to Love.
I asked her, "Is this question from your Mind or your Heart?". She immediately said Mind.
What I invite you to consider is that we ALL know when we've made a bad choice. We all understand when we have faltered. We all know when we have screwed up. Do you think being judged and shamed and punished makes us learn the lesson any better?!
The answer is no. The genuinely needed lesson is reflection and forgiveness and reflection from a place of compassion - not condemnation and judgment.
So if we can establish that the most potent place to Love is from the Heart, what now? Where do we go from here?
To unlearn our conditioning. To dive deep into our Model of Love and truly unpack it.
To differentiate when we're in our Mind and when we're in our Heart.
Just like how you learnt it is Love to punish and have never questioned it... that's the work.
What I know, truly know is "where there is Love, there is Life."
If you are truly Loving, your Love breathes LIFE into you, into the other, into your relationship.
If it doesn't breathe Life, it's not Love.
Love isn't passive, it isn't rainbows and butterflies, and it isn't just "happy" all the time. This is the misconception about Love.
LOVE is the most powerful force in the Universe....and it can only be manifested and accessed through the power of the Heart in this human form.
Our struggle with relationships is that we're navigating it from a Logical, Intellectual, Analytical place. The Mind.
Yet, what our relationships are truly seeking is connection. And that comes from the Heart.
So for this week, I invite you to take notice of the place where you're loving from?
The Mind or the Heart.