Who did you feel hurt by? Who let you down?

Growing up - who did you feel hurt by? Who let you down?

.....Whose love did you crave for - that you longed for?

Whether we want to admit it or not, there is a reality we all must meet if we want to have healthy relationships.

We have to meet the "reality" we experienced as a child. 

How did this child view the world?
Whose love did they crave for?
What stories did this child make up about love, about men, about women, about trust?

If you struggle in relationships - it's not your fault.
And the healing is your responsibility.

What most of us desire is to be seen, heard, and understood.

We desire to feel safe, inspired, and connected in our relationships - and it's what we want for our children.

The only way we can have healthy relationships is to be true to ourselves... and we can't be true to ourselves if we're still carrying the burden of pain we felt as a child.

Pain that is unprocessed, creates trauma.

As a human being, we will ALWAYS experience pain.

That's called growth. That's called living. There will be things out of our control, uncertainty, and unexpected events.

And pain that we refuse to meet, will continue to create suffering.

So how do you meet the pain? 

You have to feel it. You have to face it. 

We learn not to put our hand in the fire because we know what it feels like to be burnt by it.

We learn how to ride a bike based on learning what it feels like to be unbalanced.

And the ONLY way to understand what is healthy in a relationship is to feel the impact of our unhealthy behaviours within ourselves.

Must we learn via pain? Not necessarily - and pain is a great teacher. 

The sign of a healthy relationship is one where we can be vulnerable.

• This means, asking for what we need.
• Being able to ask for help.
• Being able to be there for another.
• And being able to share when we are hurting.

This also means we're a safe space where the one we love will share their suffering with us.

We can pick up on when the one we love is hurting and in pain.
And we're able to hold space for each other.

LOVE isn't rainbows and butterflies.

It's the capacity in which we can choose each other, grow together, be each other's cheerleaders and no. 1 fan, and be able to work through the messy parts of life and the messy parts of ourselves. 

It's forgiveness.
It's grace.
It's compassion.

It's "I'm here with you - you're not going to go through this alone - we're in this together...." and I see you.

That kind of love is VERY hard to receive if you don't feel worthy - and that kind of love is VERY hard to give when you have no idea on how to access your Heart. 

That kind of Love is intentionally created. 
It's not by chance, and it takes two.

When we DON'T heal the stories around Love and Relationships we inherited by witnessing our parents or what we went through - we are living a second-hand experienced that's not authentic to who we truly are.

And from that place, we will always continue to question Love - and in fact, we have NO IDEA what Love really is.

It's hard to feel safe, when we can't be authentic with ourselves.
It's hard to feel joy, when we can't fully express who we are and share what we need.

And it's hard to be in a relationship when we are hard on ourselves and fearful of really being seen. 

The worst part of all of this - we become the person we said we wouldn't OR we are in a relationship where we show up as our father or mother - or the other person shows up as our father or mother. 

And it's exhausting living this way. 

The quickest way to kill intimacy, connection, and your relationship - hiding who you are, hiding your pain, hiding your hurt, and pretending you're not suffering. 

Why? Because if you don't feel free to be you - you're having to be someone you're not (once again) in an adult relationship to "survive". 

And at the same time, when you do share your suffering and the other doesn't know how to navigate it - you can feel more of a burden and it continues to reinforce the idea of not belonging, being invisible, they don't care, and I'm all alone. 

The thing about relationships is this.

We will hurt each other.
We will let each other down.
We will betray trust.
We will make mistakes. 

AND great relationships do this.

Heal after the hurt.
Pick each other up, after letting each other down.
Repair the trust.
Take radical responsibility for our shortcomings, mistakes, and do better.

The hardest thing in the world is to allow another to see us - with all our wounds, all our hurt, all our pain - all our dreams, all our Visions, all our faith - AND allow someone else to Love all of us. 

That is the HARDEST thing in the world. To receive that kind of Love. 

Guess where it starts?

With you - loving you.
With you - choosing you.
With you - no longer choosing to hurt yourself with your thoughts and self-talk.
With you - honouring your commitments to yourself and not letting yourself down.
With you - choosing to trust yourself and no longer betraying yourself.
And with you - understanding that mistakes happen and that YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE. 

Why does it start with you?

Because when you love you, you wouldn't settle for a mediocre, ordinary kind of Love - especially one that is based on second-hand experience.

When you Love you - you Love yourself to value who you are that you will take on the great adventure of intentionally crafting and contributing to creating a great Love.

And every Great Love - is masterful in repair. 

Without repair, the resentments add up - and before you know it, there is a Great Wall of China between each other's Hearts. 

So where to from here?

1. On a scale 1-10, how connected do you feel to your partner?

And.... what do you really want the connection to be? Answer this from your Heart. Not from your resentment, not from your pain, not from your hurt.

Get clear on what the truest and highest part of you is committed too.

2. Scale 1-10, how open is your Heart to them? 
3. What have you been hanging onto? Write it ALL out. 
4. From the list - prioritise it from least painful to most painful. 
5. Scale 1-10, how open do you feel their Heart is to you?
6. Standing in their world, how seen do they feel by you? What do you think they are hanging onto?
7. Do you create a safe space for them? In what ways did you contribute to the disconnection? (Own your part - not theirs). 

Awareness is the very first step.

Feel free to send me your answers.

I'll gift you a series of Masterclasses that can get you started on the journey of healing your inner-child.

Sending love,

Yummii xx